Friday, December 30, 2005

Peg, why the sigh?...

Well, since you asked:

I blogged that AFTER all your phone calls... the sigh is because of the pain and annoyance you were causing. Sigh also because of all the things I wanted to say on MY BLOG... but I couldn't 'cause I knew you're were reading it now. I wanted to rail against the hurt you're causing. I was still trying to NOT cause you any more pain than is necessary.

Yes, I have what I wanted... not because I wanted my marriage to end... not because I craved a single life... but because I couldn't live any longer the way I was living... because I could NOT wake up anymore dreading what kind of mood I'd find you in.

I realized this morning while driving down the road, I don't RUSH anymore. I used to be in a rush because if I'd go somewhere (a store, for example) and do what I do... just roam around and enjoy myself... I'd have to then RUSH home because you'd be impatient or you'd be assuming I was doing something I shouldn't be doing.

In the last year, I tried to stop doing that... I tried to TAKE back the ME that I am... to do what makes me happy (sit at Starbucks just relaxing, for example) AND keep my marriage... but it didn't work. And so here I am, on my way to being single... even if it's not ultimately what I wanted it IS what I've chosen. Am I happy? Not yet... but I do feel that's where I'm headed. I am content...

Starting now... I will write what I want on MY BLOG. I'm taking that back too!

6 comments:

Lady Calliah said...

YES!!! You GO girl! Take that, nameless, faceless man! :)

Congratulations, PEG!

angel said...

Good for you Peg. :)

papadontpreach said...

The sun also rises...

Lorena said...

well you go girl :)
it is great that this change is your choice. good luck and hope this year is bright for you!

Hope said...

It's often easier to allow things to continue than to take risks. Congrats on your decision to take back control of your life. Wish you the best.

peg said...

thanks everyone for the kind words... I'm feeling better everyday