dichotomy...

I've been living a strange duality, of late.

On one side, I have a very good friend who is dealing with clinical depression, one friend has been diagnosed with Level 2 Astrocytoma, one friend just died suddenly on the job. I'm stuggling to deal with these circumstances... to "make sense".

On the other side, My life has taken a direction that is completely joyful and healing... for me as well as the people I get to help. I've never been happier in my life... I've never been happier WITH my life.

Yet, I grieve the loss of my friend, Ray. He died last week, on the job. We had his memorial service on Tuesday and the chapel was overflowing with friends, many friends that I have not seen in a very long time. Sad that it takes such circumstances to bring us back together. I will miss Ray's laugh, his smile and his bear hugs... especially the hugs!

I grieve the (emotional) loss of my mentor/best buddy "C" and I pray he finds his way back. He's dealing with turmoil and obstacles in his life much of which was thrust upon him. He did not have a choice and that loss of control is somthing he's not dealing with well.

I have to believe he will come back, for my own sanity as much as his. I need him.

My friend T.J. was diagnosed with a temporal lobe tumor a few weeks ago. I grieve the losses he has suffered and continue to hope and pray he will beat this.

Again, I have to believe that he will. The joyful part is he still has the ability to crack me up with his special brand of humor. He's pretty amazing for one so young. He must beat this.

I know they will. There's is no alternative really... I need to believe T.J. will remain in my life, I refuse to believe C will leave me. They must not go... like Ray, literally or figuratively. I can't lose any more loved ones.

Am I being whiney and selfish? I haven't had nearly the loss that some people have had. I haven't lost a spouse/partner as Pat has. I haven't lost a child or a parent. But my losses are losses of my heart, never to be replaced. They are "holes", if you will, holes in my heart.

And from this moment on, I refuse to "lose" friends because of petty disagreements. Not from hurt feelings or emotional slights, no... no more. Be what you are able to be in my life, give what you can... but I will remain your friend... no matter what.

Thus the Duality I'm feeling.

"How are you, Peg" everyone asks. And I usually say, "I'm good", "I'm GREAT", "I'm the happiest I can ever remember being" and it's so, so true.

But I'm sad also, I'm lonely, I'm grieving, I'm impatient, I long for... I ache for ... oh, many things.

I feel pulled in different directions. I literally feel PULLED APART!

It's exhausting and disorienting.