for you "Friend"

you know what? Boo f'ing hoo, buddy. You whine and you whine and you whine about how screwed up your life is. Well, there are people who love and care about you yet all you can do is cry about how tortured your life is. Do you even care about us? Oh you give lip-service to "caring" about the people you've affected. But do you really care? Hmmm, you are the epitome of narcissism. No one's problems are as important as yours, no one's pain is as bad as yours, NO ONE can hurt people as badly as you can... am I right?

Wake up and take responsibility for your OWN happiness and health.
"Bi-Polar is a diagnosis, but it is NOT a license to sit back and relinquish control of your life.

still here...

her pain lessens not,

he enjoys the benefit

of memory loss

~

needing a painkiller...

feeling unwanted.

how does she survive the pain

of a best friend lost?

~

Medical emergency...

I had an X-ray done today, and they found you in my heart.
The Doctor said if they took you out, I would die,
because I could not live without you as a friend.

the process of healing...

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu

Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531 BC)

Okay, here's to steppin' real soon!! I can't wait. The surgeon, Dr. Weiss, says he will let me put weight on my leg at my next appointment. That will be February 9th. I sure hope he tells me I can drive 'cause I'm down right Stir Crazy!

Xrays January 8th, 2009

11 days after surgery (including lovely colors from bruising and cellucitis).

view of leg today, January 26, 2009
Looks really good, don't ya think?

I'm very pleased with the progress. There is a significant amount of adhesion going on under those scars and I'm working on releasing those. It's do-it-now with some discomfort or wait and do it later with LOTS of discomfort and hard work. The major effect of the adhesions right now is a difficulty in Eversion.

There is a lot of metal in that leg now (as you can see in the xrays). That doesn't bother me as long as it stays and my body doesn't give me trouble with it. I do not plan to be cut into ever again if I can help it. I may have some hiccups if and when I ever fly on commercial air lines.

My recovery has seemed very slow. Time is relative, I guess. I'm just bored and frustrated that I can't be out doing the things I love... well, not yet. In actuality, I believe recovery has been pretty rapid. I have, historically healed rather slowly, something I get from my mother. But this time it seems my body is cooperating nicely. I believe I can attribute that to my change in lifestyle, activities and attitude. My career change and my entry into the world of alternative medicine has been good for me in SO MANY ways. This recovery process is just another example of that.

Once again, I thank my lucky stars for finding my way to that world.
And in "Lucky Stars" I mean, my BEST BUDDY - C who inspired me, mentored me, and told me the BEST (ONLY) school to attend and My teacher/employer/FRIEND - Pam who has taught me everything she knows, groomed me to be a great therapist and teacher and who has been a terrific friend and confidante.
I love you guys more than I can express!

Psychic Connection? Naw... can't be...

Buddy,

Things are getting really strange...

all day Sunday... I could see it in my head... I SAW it happen. But I told myself, NO that won't happen. But it did... you asked for my help.

text conversation:
you - "you there"
me - "yes, of course"
you - "Do you ever sleep?"
me -"Yes, but phone's on in case you call"
you - "I may have to take you up on your offer..."
me - "I'm leaving now."

I was astonished... I was elated!
I was sleepy! (it was really really early).

So when I get there, knowing you couldn't be at the rendezvous point yet... I rode a little farther and got some gas and a drink. Heading back I had this really strong need to turn right off the main street. Driving a little way, I saw a nice scene - barn, trees, etc.... I snapped a couple of pictures. Then driving a little farther I saw a street name that felt right... so on down that road I went. And there you were... somehow, I found you. Hmmm.

My friend, it felt wonderful to be of help to you. I'm very happy to be able to help you AND the Mrs. Thanks for letting me.
Oh and thanks to Starbucks for keeping me awake for as long as it did.

The drive back home was awesome. We do entertain each other. All the talk and laughter contributed, I think, to some wrong turns and missed exits... ah well, so what?

It was a blast!
hugs & kisses

for my friends...

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.

                                                                                    -- Orison Marden

do you ever feel invisible?

1. my best friend is in pain... real emotional pain.
2. and I can't help, I so want to help... I love him so very much.
3. I have a career (finally) that I love ... Massage.
4. I have lots of massage clients (lots for a part time job) and I'm thrilled.
5. I have many new friends/colleagues, and that warms my soul.
6. I feel several connections/friendships slipping away, is it something I've done or not done?
7. I have 3 more years at the 'day job', I can retire at 50!
8. I start as Teaching Assistant at the massage school in September... I love teaching, I'm so excited.
9. I start as the TEACHER at the massage school in about a year, I'm excited (and a little scared).
10. I still love teaching folks to ride motorcycles, but it takes A LOT out of me.
11. I feel I've let my Fwed down.
12. I'm empathic, sometimes that's good, sometimes NOT
13. I miss my love... I'm lonely at times.
14. I love easing pain. I want to help everyone.
15. I want to learn everything!
16. I'm up, then I'm down, then back up... I'm tired.

Maybe I just WANT to be invisible... hmmm, sometimes.

The Buddha said,

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

Need to live by that one!

something in the water??

I'd like to know just what the hell is going on with my friends lately.

So many of them are having a really hard time.
I mentioned this before in my post Dichotomy.
My best buddy, C has been living a nightmare for over a year now. He's plugging along but it is so hard for him. I do what I can... but really, what can I do?
My friend T.J. has a less than favorable diagnosis and he too is living life as best he can. He's a fighter. And he has the love of his Sarah to keep him warm and he has many good friends.

Then there is my love, P.M. who is having trials and tribulations to deal with too. Being distant seems to be how P.M. deals with this particular problem. But that's not "how I roll" (if you don't mind me using the latest catch phrase). As I said yesterday... I have to FIX things. When I can't I agonize. So, again, What can I do?

I'm here...
I'm here for C and I'd do anything to help him.
I'm here for T.J., I listen when he wants to rant. I try to attend his karaoke gigs whenever possible... I try to be available.
And as for P.M., I love you and I'm here whenever you call and feel the need for companionship. I await your call or your email or your text... every moment of every day.
As I said in my post yesterday... I'm so very thankful to have had time with you recently and I look forward to the next time.

My life has been going so well... I only want to share it with my friends. I try to be up-beat and cheerful because I believe good vibes are so very important.

As Natalie Merchant sings: Life is Sweet!
I want you all to experience it the way I do.
I love you guys... so, so much!

do you remember my number?

would you ever call?

if you just needed to talk

just needed a friend?

~

a token of my love...

dichotomy...

I've been living a strange duality, of late.

On one side, I have a very good friend who is dealing with clinical depression, one friend has been diagnosed with Level 2 Astrocytoma, one friend just died suddenly on the job. I'm stuggling to deal with these circumstances... to "make sense".

On the other side, My life has taken a direction that is completely joyful and healing... for me as well as the people I get to help. I've never been happier in my life... I've never been happier WITH my life.

Yet, I grieve the loss of my friend, Ray. He died last week, on the job. We had his memorial service on Tuesday and the chapel was overflowing with friends, many friends that I have not seen in a very long time. Sad that it takes such circumstances to bring us back together. I will miss Ray's laugh, his smile and his bear hugs... especially the hugs!

I grieve the (emotional) loss of my mentor/best buddy "C" and I pray he finds his way back. He's dealing with turmoil and obstacles in his life much of which was thrust upon him. He did not have a choice and that loss of control is somthing he's not dealing with well.

I have to believe he will come back, for my own sanity as much as his. I need him.

My friend T.J. was diagnosed with a temporal lobe tumor a few weeks ago. I grieve the losses he has suffered and continue to hope and pray he will beat this.

Again, I have to believe that he will. The joyful part is he still has the ability to crack me up with his special brand of humor. He's pretty amazing for one so young. He must beat this.

I know they will. There's is no alternative really... I need to believe T.J. will remain in my life, I refuse to believe C will leave me. They must not go... like Ray, literally or figuratively. I can't lose any more loved ones.

Am I being whiney and selfish? I haven't had nearly the loss that some people have had. I haven't lost a spouse/partner as Pat has. I haven't lost a child or a parent. But my losses are losses of my heart, never to be replaced. They are "holes", if you will, holes in my heart.

And from this moment on, I refuse to "lose" friends because of petty disagreements. Not from hurt feelings or emotional slights, no... no more. Be what you are able to be in my life, give what you can... but I will remain your friend... no matter what.

Thus the Duality I'm feeling.

"How are you, Peg" everyone asks. And I usually say, "I'm good", "I'm GREAT", "I'm the happiest I can ever remember being" and it's so, so true.

But I'm sad also, I'm lonely, I'm grieving, I'm impatient, I long for... I ache for ... oh, many things.

I feel pulled in different directions. I literally feel PULLED APART!

It's exhausting and disorienting.

I'm always here... if you need me...

I've tried every tact I can think. I've been understanding, I've been funny, I've been helpful, I've gotten angry, I've soaked up some of your depression (albeit unintentionally), I've spoken seductively and used ribald language, and I've been loving and caring...

always loving and caring.

Some things help... for a short time and some things make no impression at all. It appears that when we spend time together... you "perk up" and yet the next day... you're right back to sleeping thru your depression for most of the day.

I'm frustrated and tired, my energy and enthusiasm are depleted... and yet, I will never give up! I'm here... by your side (figuratively) for the duration.

It's still a waiting game. Your life is in Limbo. I do understand that this is the hardest thing you've ever had to do

Happy Birthday, C

Today is the birthday of one of my Favorite People. I sang this to him on his voicemail this morning.
Happy Birthday, C... I love you.

one day at a time...

I'm pretty sure I saw it a couple of times. It's been so long, I thought I might have been mistaken. But it was real, brief but real. It brightened the room and warmed my heart.

L. Y.

an actual smile

the kind you do with your eyes

how I've longed to see.

~

come home...

despondent and blue...

when will you come back to us?

miss your smiling eyes.

~

for you, my dear...

Music Videos - Umbrella

Umbrella

Rihanna

You had my heart
and we'll never be world apart
Maybe in magazines
but you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the Dark
You can see shiny Cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

These fancy things,
will never come in between
You're part of my entity
Here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard

Together we'll mend your heart
Because ...
[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[BRIDGE]
You can run into my Arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
(Come into Me)
(There's no distance in between our love)
So Gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because ...

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We'll shine Together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining
baby come into me
Come into me
It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining
You can always come into me
Come into me......

Please, let me help...

connection...

lamenting your pain

do you ever realize

tears I shed for you?

~

Stress, stress and more stress...

As I mentioned, someone who is very important to me is having problems.... no, he's having a crisis. I posted that, now that I know the details, I wasn't internalizing it so much.... Yeah, Right!

I'm a wreck! Not as bad as he is of course... but I'm feeling so much of it.

I have been trying (to no avail it seems) to convince him that negativity begets negative.

And it does! Have you ever noticed when you feel beaten down and walked on... more bad stuff happens. "What Else could go Wrong??" The more you say "Oh Woe is Me..." the more woe you get? And when things are going great... and you say "I feel fabulous"... well things just go your way, you're "on a Roll"??

In his book Anatomy Trains, Tom Myers quotes Dr Moshé Feldenkrais:

'All negative emotion is expressed as flexion'

Myers says further, in Anatomy Trains:

"The general truth of this simple statement is brought home to any observer of human behavior every day. We see the hunch of anger, the slump of depression, or the cringe of fear many times and in many different forms."

I can see my friend's posture changing. I can see him "folding" inward... and it breaks my heart. I know he will survive whether he knows it or not... I know this change will not destroy him. It might even be the best possible thing for him. I've been trying to convince him of that.

But as he frequently says, "Time will tell..."

love you...

Someone I love called me last night and told me about a crisis in their life. I felt like saying, "Why the hell didn't you tell me this sooner? I've been feeling it for days"!
I've mentioned that I believe I empathically "pick up" on people's pains. Well it appears it doesn't matter whether they are physical or emotional pains. And the closer I am (emotionally, not proximity, btw) to the individual, the more intense the "symptoms".

This "someone"is very close to me, very important. This is potentially a life-altering crisis. I do believe this person is seeing only negative possibilities right now. I told them "it hasn't happened yet and you don't know that it will... breathe..." (hah, practice what you preach, peg. Therapist heal thyself!)

You know... it's one thing to get a vague feeling of pain or discomfort from acquaintenances/clients/strangers, but when it's someone I love... oh my, it really throws me for a loop. For several days, I've been having intense headaches, neck pain, my jaw hurts from gritting my teeth, my back has been tight... I generally don't have these problems, well at least not since starting school.
I'm still feeling kinda "tender" today. I'm still feeling overwhelmed and frightened (my feelings? theirs? some of both?).

Now that I know what's going on.... I'm not internalizing it so much. I guess now I'm seeing it as a problem to solve. I want so badly to be able to help... at the very least... I want to hold them.

I wish they had called me earlier!