Haiku du jour...

Why do most men suck?

just when you think they're worth it

they just waste your time.

~

The time for truth is at hand...

So, this person is still avoiding me. Oh, I've gotten the occasional email saying he's alive but that's about it. I've asked for a phone call, to no avail.

Are you ashamed to call me? Are you too hurt to call? Is it that you just don't want anything to do with me anymore??

I only have evidence that you no longer care that I care. Or perhaps you enjoy the fact that your pain causes ME pain. Is that it? Does it make you feel better in some way that I still feel for you?? Is that how you get your relief?

Do you care that I can feel your pain even when you don't talk to me? Do you give a good goddamn about anything anymore?? Maybe just your little princess?

Perhaps you just don't deserve my friendship. What do YOU think?

I'd really like to know.

I am broken...

It took me a while to be able to actually write this down... I guess if I can, maybe just maybe I'll be okay.

----------------------------------------

Well it appears I've been a real fool. I've been betrayed by several people. Worst of all my best friend...

My gullibility is devastating.

My "friend" has lied to me about so many things, not the least of which was that I was "the best friend" he's "ever had". And you have no idea the things I've done for him... the things I've done to help him... things I've done to protect him.

I don't know if I can ever forgive this man. I trusted him. I trusted him to do so many things to me which I would never have dreamed of letting anyone else do. I let him see a side of me that no one has ever seen. And now I don't know if I can ever let anyone else see me that way. Maybe I will not be able to let anyone else "In".

I never thought I wanted anything in return for the things I did for him. BUT, I was wrong... I DID want something in return. Of course I wanted his love but I really wanted his loyalty. I wonder if I ever had that.

Did I? Did I ever have your loyalty? Did you ever really care? I wish you'd answer these questions... I really do.

Wisdom from D.E.B.S. ??

It's Sunday, you know, "Sit on my Ass Day" ?
and I'm watching movies.
Right now it's D.E.B.S. a pathetic attempt to cast teen-age girls as pseudo Charlie's Angels (WAIT... Charlie's Angels was a pathetic attempt in it's own right). I say pathetic... and yet I AM watching it.

In my defense there is really nothing else on. Yup, 300+ channels and nothing else on.

I did notice one quote from the movie that caught my attention.
Here it is:

Amy: I think love should be irresistible, like a drug, you know? I think when it happens you should just not be able to help yourself...

It really sucks that this vacuous film hit on my feelings so completely and simply.

Okay, it's not Socrates.
It's not Emmerson or Shaw or even John Lennon.

It IS, however, Dead On and it is exactly how I feel about someone.

That "someone" is MY Drug of choice!

for my friends...

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.

                                                                                    -- Orison Marden

do you ever feel invisible?

1. my best friend is in pain... real emotional pain.
2. and I can't help, I so want to help... I love him so very much.
3. I have a career (finally) that I love ... Massage.
4. I have lots of massage clients (lots for a part time job) and I'm thrilled.
5. I have many new friends/colleagues, and that warms my soul.
6. I feel several connections/friendships slipping away, is it something I've done or not done?
7. I have 3 more years at the 'day job', I can retire at 50!
8. I start as Teaching Assistant at the massage school in September... I love teaching, I'm so excited.
9. I start as the TEACHER at the massage school in about a year, I'm excited (and a little scared).
10. I still love teaching folks to ride motorcycles, but it takes A LOT out of me.
11. I feel I've let my Fwed down.
12. I'm empathic, sometimes that's good, sometimes NOT
13. I miss my love... I'm lonely at times.
14. I love easing pain. I want to help everyone.
15. I want to learn everything!
16. I'm up, then I'm down, then back up... I'm tired.

Maybe I just WANT to be invisible... hmmm, sometimes.

The Buddha said,

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

Need to live by that one!

something in the water??

I'd like to know just what the hell is going on with my friends lately.

So many of them are having a really hard time.
I mentioned this before in my post Dichotomy.
My best buddy, C has been living a nightmare for over a year now. He's plugging along but it is so hard for him. I do what I can... but really, what can I do?
My friend T.J. has a less than favorable diagnosis and he too is living life as best he can. He's a fighter. And he has the love of his Sarah to keep him warm and he has many good friends.

Then there is my love, P.M. who is having trials and tribulations to deal with too. Being distant seems to be how P.M. deals with this particular problem. But that's not "how I roll" (if you don't mind me using the latest catch phrase). As I said yesterday... I have to FIX things. When I can't I agonize. So, again, What can I do?

I'm here...
I'm here for C and I'd do anything to help him.
I'm here for T.J., I listen when he wants to rant. I try to attend his karaoke gigs whenever possible... I try to be available.
And as for P.M., I love you and I'm here whenever you call and feel the need for companionship. I await your call or your email or your text... every moment of every day.
As I said in my post yesterday... I'm so very thankful to have had time with you recently and I look forward to the next time.

My life has been going so well... I only want to share it with my friends. I try to be up-beat and cheerful because I believe good vibes are so very important.

As Natalie Merchant sings: Life is Sweet!
I want you all to experience it the way I do.
I love you guys... so, so much!

breathtakingly simple...

"I will see you then, thanks for everything

Love you"

My Love,

It's truly surprising how a simple, short email can remedy EVERY bad feeling I've been having.

I have my very own psychosis...
or perhaps it's a neurosis...

I know I have done nothing wrong.
I do go overboard at times... yes, I'm aware of that. I sometimes become, for lack of a better word, compulsive. But all in all, I don't do anything to harm anyone and I try to not annoy or bother though sometimes it's impossible to avoid completely, at least where you are concerned. Most of my time is spent trying to figure out how to FIX people. And I want to fix everything for you. Of course I know that I can't and that's the most painful part for me.

The last time I saw you was perfect... at least for ME! Time alone together. Time to just hold each other. After leaving you, I was filled with the warmest glow. You know what that was? Love... plain and simple and the knowledge that I made a difference for you, however small. I was so enthralled... I never went to sleep. Then morning came and I did something I shouldn't have. Oh it wasn't a bad thing, just ill timed. I'm sure it wasn't as earth shattering as it felt to me at the moment, not at all, a rediculous thought. But I've come to realize that I second-guess my words and actions toward you lately. How will you react to This email? What will be the consequences of calling you right now? Will I annoy you? I analyze everything.
THIS is my neurosis. Intellectually, I know that you don't react... or over react to my every word or emotion. But my soul aches to make everything better for you and when I feel I've done some little thing to make things worse, I obsess! I am learning to deal with this and not freak out... but then, you KNOW me eh?

When you sent those ten little words above... I just melted.
It don't take much, do it?

Bubbly...

Colbie Caillat Lyrics

Quote of the Day... oh, the pain.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Damn, this one kinda hits me where I live! Ouch!

hopes and dreams...

I pray to hear it

just waiting for you to say
come be with me please

~

Build ups and Let downs...

Wow, I had such plans for yesterday.

I had a client coming for a scheduled massage... well, that was cancelled.

I was planning to get laid!.... nope, that didn't happen.

I ended up joining my "girls" for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Now, mind you... I love hanging with my Girl Posse'. They are the greatest! But, it wasn't what I had my mind and body all worked up for...

Ah well, there's always next time.

i want my endogenous opioids...

touch... yes, touch is key

be it gentle or intense

pain is relative

~

will you talk to me

my desperation begs it

can you spare the time?

~

"Have I made a mistake?"

...She asks herself, over and over. What will come of this decision? What will come of this...menage a trois? Has she made him happy or has she lost him? All she has ever wanted was to please him.

She believes there is no guile in him, no duplicity... none at all. When she is with him, she sees that his heart is open, honest... seeking only to make her feel good. But, when they are parted, the silence brings her to her knees in fear.

"I cannot live without you." she whispers into the night, but he doesn't hear.

at peace : in a state of concord or tranquillity

I was talking with a friend last week and I told him I was in such a wonderful mood and I had been all week. He asked me why and I said I really didn't know.
The next day at work it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks... the way I've been feeling... it's happiness! This is what it feels like to be HAPPY. Whew... glad we cleared THAT up.

I finally feel at peace... with myself, with my decisions of late. I have a sense of calm that is truly beautiful. Tiny things are a joy. The sunshine today fills me with such warmth and pleasure. I simply sat in my truck at lunchtime and just soaked it up. I was talking with T on the phone while we were both playing a fun (yet brainless) online game and we were just giggling... like kids.

I was telling Fwed yesterday about the way I've been feeling. He said that it shows! Hmmm, I guess it IS pretty obvious.

Happy PeeWee!

in a mood...

The pain is complete

want is a cruel companion

she holds my one love

~