Monday, December 31, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007


i do understand
low of your priorities
but it does still hurt

Thursday, December 20, 2007


I've been living a strange duality, of late.

On one side, I have a very good friend who is dealing with clinical depression, one friend has been diagnosed with Level 2 Astrocytoma, one friend just died suddenly on the job. I'm stuggling to deal with these circumstances... to "make sense".

On the other side, My life has taken a direction that is completely joyful and healing... for me as well as the people I get to help. I've never been happier in my life... I've never been happier WITH my life.

Yet, I grieve the loss of my friend, Ray. He died last week, on the job. We had his memorial service on Tuesday and the chapel was overflowing with friends, many friends that I have not seen in a very long time. Sad that it takes such circumstances to bring us back together. I will miss Ray's laugh, his smile and his bear hugs... especially the hugs!

I grieve the (emotional) loss of my mentor/best buddy "C" and I pray he finds his way back. He's dealing with turmoil and obstacles in his life much of which was thrust upon him. He did not have a choice and that loss of control is somthing he's not dealing with well.

I have to believe he will come back, for my own sanity as much as his. I need him.

My friend T.J. was diagnosed with a temporal lobe tumor a few weeks ago. I grieve the losses he has suffered and continue to hope and pray he will beat this.

Again, I have to believe that he will. The joyful part is he still has the ability to crack me up with his special brand of humor. He's pretty amazing for one so young. He must beat this.

I know they will. There's is no alternative really... I need to believe T.J. will remain in my life, I refuse to believe C will leave me. They must not go... like Ray, literally or figuratively. I can't lose any more loved ones.

Am I being whiney and selfish? I haven't had nearly the loss that some people have had. I haven't lost a spouse/partner as Pat has. I haven't lost a child or a parent. But my losses are losses of my heart, never to be replaced. They are "holes", if you will, holes in my heart.

And from this moment on, I refuse to "lose" friends because of petty disagreements. Not from hurt feelings or emotional slights, no... no more. Be what you are able to be in my life, give what you can... but I will remain your friend... no matter what.

Thus the Duality I'm feeling.

"How are you, Peg" everyone asks. And I usually say, "I'm good", "I'm GREAT", "I'm the happiest I can ever remember being" and it's so, so true.

But I'm sad also, I'm lonely, I'm grieving, I'm impatient, I long for... I ache for ... oh, many things.

I feel pulled in different directions. I literally feel PULLED APART!

It's exhausting and disorienting.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Monday, December 17, 2007

another of those stupid MySpace questionnaires...

My friend, T.J. has been recuperating at home from an illness and he gets really bored. He spends time answering a lot of those "getting to know your friends" surveys. And damn it... I can't seem to resist.
Just say NO!!!

But if you can't resist either.... copy and answer for yourself. (Let me know you did I'd like to read it on your blog when you're done.)

1. How late did you stay up last night and why? ~about 2am... that's pretty typical for me.

2. What was the first thing you thought when you got up? ~DAMN, gotta go to work.

3. What's your ringtone on your phone? ~there are certain ringtones for certain people... but the general one is JOY by Apollo 100, otherwise known as: Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring by
J.S. Bach

4. What did you do last night? ~had dinner with friends then watched TV and surfed the web.

5. Where do you work? ~where do I start? I work for Hanover County (and have forever) and I work as a massage therapist for Institute of Massage Therapies and I'm a motorcycle safety instructor for Motorcycle Safety Center of VA

6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? ~yes, would like to think the one I'm in will last a good long while.

7. Do you own a stereo that costs more than £100? ~yeah, I guess.... how the hell much is that in DOLLARS?

8. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it? ~many many times

9. How's your heart lately? ~ it's okay.... usually worn on my sleave and easily bruised.

10. What were you doing this morning at 7am? ~trying my damnedest to wake up

11. What were you doing this afternoon at 12pm? ~is that yesterday at 12pm? uh... getting ready to pick T.J. up.

12. What radio station do you listen to the most? ~XM radio and the station varies

13. What kind of music is it? ~didn't I say it VARIES!?!?!

14. What was the reason you last cried? ~ This week, a good friend died... electrocuted... a bad, bad week.

15. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? ~who hasn't?.

16. Who was it? ~Which time?

17. What song is stuck in your head? ~Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring by Apollo 100 ... OH! WAIT... gotta answer my phone... brb.

18. Who was the last person you called? ~Mom... she didn't answer..what's up with that?

19. Who filled this out before you? ~Well, T.J. of course!

20. How many red lights have you ran? ~hopefully not that many.

21. Have you ever cried while taking a shower? ~hell yeah

22. What was your least favorite year at school? ~how the hell should I know.... they were okay.

23. What were you doing at 12am last night? ~some shit on the computer

26. When was the last time you were given a rose? ~I don't remember

27. Is there anything that you are craving right now? ~don't know.... but T.J. makes that Ensure sound mighty interesting!

28. When did your last hug take place? ~actually, my roommate thought I needed a hug this morning. Got several last night.

29. Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name? ~Yes.

30. Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but..."? ~Yup

31. Do you drink tea? ~Yes... tons of it... hot or cold

32. When was the last time you saw a cop? ~Today

33. Did you ride in someone else's car today? ~not yet

34. Have you made a mistake this past week? ~I'm sure

35. What are you listening to right now? ~XM radio (Christmas music) and T talking to me on the phone

36. Who was the last person to text you? ~Gail

37. Do you miss someone? ~every minute I'm not with him.

39. Are you happy with your life? ~absolutely... I'm having a blast.

41. Is there a feeling you're trying to avoid? ~anxiety or angst... I try to be patient.

44. Are you sleeping somewhere other than home Saturday night? ~why? what have you heard?

45. What song makes you think of the person you like? ~Day is Done

And just don't ask where numbers 24, 25, 38, 40, 42 and 43 went! I don't have a clue.

Christmas lights

Christmas lights

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

haiku of lamenting...

what of my feelings?
are mine of little concern
am I the strong one?

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Nuclear Reindeer?

I know this is hard to see, but in person it's downright freaky. It lights up
the whole neighborhood!

sent from my iphone.