Friday, December 22, 2006

Subtle changes...

we all have a place
dank, ugly... in our souls, but
Light holds it at bay

It really is amazing, the changes a class can make in your life... in your attitudes, your desires, your outlook on life! I feel myself changing in so many ways, some subtle and some more profound.
Okay, maybe a simple class doesn't really DO that. I mean, a quilting or pottery class might not produce noticeable changes in your personality. However, studying subjects in the medical field, alt. medicine and other "caregiver" subjects... is affecting me in unexpected ways.

In my younger years, I wouldn't have dreamed of wanting to put my hands on anyone I wasn't very close to. This started changing in the past few years due to some wonderful people that came into my life... but I still never thought of really Touching strangers. Now (and it didn't take long) I crave it. Not in a weird way... really! I crave the human connection, the energy transfer and I crave the feeling I get when I help someone feel better. I was surprised and amazed at how much better I feel, physically and emotionally, when I GIVE a massage.
That's pretty profound... I think!

As for the more subtle changes?
Ah well... this I've really noticed recently... in the last few days actually.

I've mentioned someone abruptly dropping out of my life. Not physically... this person is still present and accounted for, but pulled away from me... me the confidant, the "soul mate". I was the one they turned to to talk it all out. I was the sounding board. Then POOF, gone! No deep discussions, no confiding, no crying on my shoulder... We still saw each other. We went out with friends and we "chatted" but it wasn't the same... and I was HURT.
When we had confided, I tried to be supportive and not judge. I tried to be the good friend. I do remember telling this person that they needed to find a way to change things... they were SO unhappy, really deep down, "bone weary" sad. I wanted to help. NO, I wanted to be THE ONE to help. And it was killing me that this friend was still living in unhappiness AND not availing themselves of MY friendship. Wow, how arrogant was I?

Lately, I (and others) have noticed changes in this person. I've noticed there is no longer the constant scowl, there is a more upbeat tone to the voice and a more outgoing personality. We had a email conversation the other day and I came out and asked this person if they were happy. The answer was "I am happy. Very happy..." My first impulse was... "geez, is _____ trying to convince themselves or me?" But Wait, Peg! Wait just one damned minute......
What was the FIRST thing you learned in massage classes?

A person's pain is THEIR pain. It doesn't matter what I think about their pain. It doesn't matter if I think it would not be painful at all... to ME. MY opinion about THEIR pain is irrelevant... absolutely and totally, irrelevant! So, wouldn't the same thing be true of happiness? If they say they are happy.... then that's what they are and I have no right... NO RIGHT... to question it.

And hell! I was the one, after all that said, "you need to find a way to be happier". So, did I really want their happiness? Or did I want to be the crutch?
Ah HAH! Self-revelation isn't always pretty.

Well, be assured, My Love... I am thrilled things are working out for you and that you're happy. I'm still here and I love you dearly. And I apologize!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Peg, what a wonderful Christmas present to yourself! I'm like you - I want to be the person that helps that friend. *I* *ME* *I* But you're right - it's THEIR pain/happiness/quandry, not mine. Great observation! I hope you had a great christmas, and I'm so glad you're HAPPY in your new field!