dejected, melancholy, pensive, dispirited...

b l u e

begging for a word...

master, she's confused...

what do you expect from her?

give up? or stand fast?

~

Reading list...

Here's what I'm reading right now (aside from Illustrated Essentials of Musculoskeletal Anatomy that is):

The Marketplace [The Marketplace Series - Book 1] by Laura Antoniou

"Compelling, charged with electricity . . ." - Kitty Tsui

The first volume in the landmark Marketplace series, the series that set the standard for contemporary SM erotica. After Sharon, Brian, Claudia, and Robert are accepted for training by Marketplace representatives, they struggle to overcome their shortcomings; pride, selfishness, immaturity and perfectionism. Who among them will survive the training meted out by the rigorous and unrelenting Chris Parker? And who will uncover the truth of his or her own sexual need to submit? The first in the groundbreaking series, The Marketplace follows four inductees as they transition from their former lives into the world of the Marketplace. Guided under the firm hand of two slave trainers and their majordomo, Chris Parker, each of the novices struggle with and against their internal desires to become Marketplace slaves. For readers familiar with the previous edition, Antoniou has added additional material, including a sizzling short story that takes up where the novel leaves off!

Mystic Rose Books, ISBN: 0-9645960-4-0

but... but... but....

S.E. took exception to one point of my assessment. She thinks I DO get hurt easily but that I DON'T recover easily. Thus began a Private discussion, just S.E. and me... oh, and you now!

I said my assessment was correct, except when it came to certain people.
She was still incredulous: "I believe you, as I reread the statement - you ARE correct! It was not an EASY hurt - soooo, you have not EASILY recovered, soooo... statement is correct. easily hurt and easily recovered"

I said:
"It's like this ... I guess...
I do make "friends" easily... But I think it takes time to form REAL friendships (though some come easier than others).
It takes a real investment... In time, in emotion, in understanding...
I believe I put a lot into a real friendship.

My problem, I guess, is that I expect the same from others and SOMETIMES I get very very burnt by that. Not often, mind you... But sometimes.
You end up wondering why, if we were so close how can someone, just ALL OF A SUDDEN, drop completely out of your life and seem to not miss you at all??

Then, you step back and start to analyze things. You start to realize how WOUNDED (emotionally) these people are. Why didn't I see it before? Was I blind? A fool?

I've paid attention, lately, to the wounds that people carry. So many people are messed up, I mean really messed up. And I guess something in me wants to "make it all better". Maybe that's why I stayed married as long as I did.
Maybe that's why I want to be a massage therapist... At least then I can fix SOMETHING that's wrong with a person, for a little while.

As T said, it has to be someone important to me for it to really hurt.
So... Hurt easily by an friend/acquaintance? = no; annoyed? Yes; peeved? Yes.
That's easily "gotten over".
Hurt easily by a REAL Friend? Well now, there's the rub... I'm not often HURT by REAL Friends. So if it happens, yes you're right I DON'T GET OVER IT EASILY.
Oh my.... I think this is a Blog Entry... "

Know this, S.E. You are the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I treasure our friendship and I will always be here for you. Love you!

October baby...

So, I was born in October. It was on a Thursday at 1:35 in the afternoon if you're interested. Anyway, I sent my Ya-yas my assessment of how I compare to the October entry:

Loves to chat. = oh yeah
Loves those who love them. = yep, and Woh be to those that don't.
Lies but doesn't pretend. = hmmm? I'll never tell.
Gets angry often. = not really.... peeved maybe
Treats friends importantly. = YES! But I might expect too much from them sometimes...
Brave and fearless. = Well, I'd like to think so.
Always making friends. = yup
Easily hurt but recovers easily. = OH YES!
Daydreamer. = Most definitely!
Opinionated. = uh? yes
Does not care to control emotions. = well, sometimes
Unpredictable. = hmmm
Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. = hah!

the discussion began...

We have a "Morning Roll Call". This is me and my Ya-yas (bestest girlfriends) emailing. We discuss a myriad of subjects. All DAY sometimes. Oh, the bandwidth we waste...

Anyway, recently one of us sent this to the group:

What type of baby are you?
January:
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

February:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.

March:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

April:
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.

May:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak too much in the next 4 days.

June:
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.

July:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days

August:
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.

September:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. If you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.

October:
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.

November:
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.

December:
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. A hot new guy/girl will catch your eye & you will catch theirs too in the next 6 days, if you repost in 5min

(feel free to use it, I sure didn't write it)

UTAH thoughts...

marshaling your thoughts

colorful and bright jerseyed

the cyclists flash by

~

a little late, S E ...
but not forgotten

haiku trio

hold me for so long

can you know what this does, dear?

a wonderful gift

~

it's never enough

makes me want you even more

should it be this way?

~

wanting to move you
my desire to please you too
most powerful draw
~

L.Y.

I FEEL FANTABULOUS!

Or as Robbie would say, STUUUUUUUPENNNDOUS!

I've been massaged, I've been cracked (chiropractor that is)...

oh, JOY!


Speaking of JOY...

THIS IS HILARIOUS!

deltoids and quadratus and pecs...

and all those other muscles.... WHAT have I gotten myself into??

I haven't told you yet (though I have hinted) but in three weeks I start on a new path. I will be attending night classes at the Institute of Massage Therapies. I have my books already and I've been trying to study anatomy (concentrating on musculature). I hear that's the hardest part. Wow... I hope I'm up to this.

I've found several sites online that are helpful:
Human Anatomy Online
Bartleby.com
Medlineplus.com
University of California, San Diego
The Hosford Muscle Tables
The Study Stack
Faculty of Biological Sciences, University of Leeds
SEER's Training Web Site
Flashcard Exchange


and my favorite:
University of WashingtonDepartment of Radiology

"Have I made a mistake?"

...She asks herself, over and over. What will come of this decision? What will come of this...menage a trois? Has she made him happy or has she lost him? All she has ever wanted was to please him.

She believes there is no guile in him, no duplicity... none at all. When she is with him, she sees that his heart is open, honest... seeking only to make her feel good. But, when they are parted, the silence brings her to her knees in fear.

"I cannot live without you." she whispers into the night, but he doesn't hear.

"the heart wants what the heart wants"

hours spent with you

pleasure... pain, rolled into one

both body and soul

~

VROD

I LOVE my new bike. I'm having so much fun.

anything for you, baby....

She asked me to post this for her...
is this a catharsis for you, dearest one? Would not your own blog be the thing??
Ah well, until then.... my place is YOUR place.
Love you....

Her very own words:

Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That’s what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It’s real though, the fury, even when it isn’t. It can change you, turn you, mold you and shape you into someone you’re not. The only advantage to anger then is the person you become. Hopefully, someone that wakes up one day, and realizes they are not afraid of its journey. Someone that knows that truth is at best a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits and in its wake lays a new chance at acceptance and the promise of calm.

Then again what do I know?