Thursday, May 31, 2007

addiction, my only defense...

will this endless need,
my longing to hear your voice
push you far from me?
~

if there was a drug
to banish you from my soul
take it? no Never!
~

hunger, appetite,
my lust for you... if you will
my Achilles' heel
~

outta sight... outta mind...

so much on your mind?
as soon as our embrace ends
do you forget me?
~

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

to play or not to play...

the question, my dear
should fantasies stay just that
or bring them to light
~

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Crucible of my soul...

Change is hard... sometimes it's downright painful. Saying goodbye to a relationship, even if it's toxic, is very difficult.
Perhaps I'm outgrowing some of the relationships I've had for many years. People I have loved are changing. Or are they? Maybe I was just blinded by my feelings for them. Maybe I am seeing exactly who they are (and have been?). I've been mocked by these people... people I've loved. They've talked behind my back and smiled to my face... well some have smiled, some have just stopped talking to me all together.
I still love them... oh, I really love them. I just don't always like them. And now it seems I'm feeling a kind of grief... a slow and tormenting grief... a Loss.
On life's journey we make friends, we exchange our gifts. Hopefully, those gifts are cherished.
Perhaps I expect too much from these relationships. Is it expecting too much to be cherished as I cherish them?
Really... Is it?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

So, where are all those volunteers?

I've got to have 6 more guinea pigs... uh... I mean practice clients by July 1st. Where'd they all go?????

Friday, May 18, 2007

The Cone... and I don't mean Ice Cream....

Okay, I feel the need for a risque post.
It has been a while hasn't it? Yeah, I know... all this wellness, metaphysical and anatomy stuff. I know I'm kinda consumed. But hey, it's paying off - I got another 100 on a test last night!!

Anyway, back to the subject... I want this:

It's called The Cone.

Looks like a piece of modern coffee table art doesn't it?

The best part about the Cone, though, is that it makes people smile. They don't quite know what it is at first, but something about its unusual shape and maybe its color triggers that "I think it's naughty!" feeling. Then when you show them how it works, they all get this silly grin, and some start to giggle.

Regina Lynn - Wired online



What? Not really a risque post? Ah, well... maybe someone (hint hint) will buy it for me and then we'll see. Maybe I'll post a review.




Thursday, May 17, 2007

missing you...

what consumes you now?
I'm the least of your's I feel...
Life's priorities
~

URBAN DICTIONARY

I'm now an editor at Urban Dictionary!




Urban Dictionary offers a daily dose of "useful translations" of hipster talk.
Atlanta Journal Constitution

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Bodily functions and poetry...

Okay, I had to. Conley did it again. He's really on a roll lately.
I just love this one.


I haven't written any haiku lately, perhaps I should excrete a few.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Human Energy Field... go on... touch me!

Well, KittyCat...
You never cease to surprise me! Here I thought I had you figured out and then you knock my socks off again (if you're gonna do that, I wish you'd just take the rest of my clothes off me and then we can have some real fun). So, you can sense, feel, transfer bio energy? That's so damned cool!
I've recently started to see some auras... very very faintly, and only with some people. So I completely believe in the energy fields. But can I manipulate those fields? Hmm, maybe... but I have no real proof of it. People say I make them "feel" better. Is that simply massage of muscles? Or could it be a "massaging" of their energy fields as well? Someone once told me he could feel me massaging his aura... I was going over his body with my hands about 1/2 inch from his skin, a kind of experiment. I was more impressed that he could feel that. But I guess I was actually affecting his energy field in some way.

I KNOW I get energy from clients when I massage them. I feel much better physically when I massage. If I go days without massaging someone, I feel like I'm getting ill or at least I feel low on energy. But I, as yet, cannot actually FEEL that energy transfer.

I'm so jealous, KittyCat. When you touched me tonight... I felt a kind of tingling whether you were actively trying to take energy or give it. I felt a tingling along the sides of my face both times. I keep hearing that these metaphysical things can be learned. I sure hope so. I'm so willing to learn.

Keep surprising me, Girl! Knowledge is such a turn on!
Love you.

Friday, May 11, 2007

cat scan...

Get Fuzzy today is fabulous!

Comics.com is a great place for your daily comics. I get "Get Fuzzy" sent to my mail box everyday.


I also love 9 Chickweed Lane.

Monday, May 07, 2007

jus' checking...

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind,
"Pooh! ", he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing.", said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.


"I just wanted to be sure of you"


~A.A. Milne

“... tintinnabulation that so musically wells ...


From the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells..."

You know, I'm usually a very up-beat person. Happy, energetic... bubbly even (no! really).
But lately I've had a problem with allergies and Tinnitus and it's driving me a little batty. There is a constant humming in my head and I can't breathe (congestion I mean). It's starting to affect my personality a little. I'm not grumpy or anything but feeling a little, well... blue. And this morning I woke up with my heart AND my mind racing. It was the closest I've EVER gotten to a anxiety attack. Me? Stressed? No Way! When have I ever been stressed? Well, okay... there was that period when I was leaving my spouse and getting a divorce... but NOT NOW! I'm the happiest I've ever been. And until the last few weeks, the healthiest I've ever felt. Thank you Pollen! Allergies SUCK!

Have you noticed how many people don't REALLY want to know "How are you?". Do you think they REALLY want you to tell them what you think of this "beautiful day, isn't it?"? Nope.

The first day or two when you say you're not feeling well it's all "OH, poor dear... is there anything I can do to help?" But let it go on for a week or so.... oh no! Then it's "Uh, huh... well, sorry to hear that ... I gotta run"

Am I being too sensitive? No, not really... just being observant I think.

And believe me, I have very good friends who worry about me and check on me and want to bring me "chicken soup" (or reasonable facsimilies there of). Then there are the ones... some really important ones... who for one reason or another cannot DEAL with the pain/discomfort of others. Maybe because they are in pain themselves and don't want to be reminded.

And then there are the ones that revel in the angst. I guess because...

But those "friends" are in a whole other category... and I'm too, uh, Up-beat to discuss them right now!



Thursday, May 03, 2007

missing you...

It should be so clear
I am sitting here waiting
again, you just leave
~

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Tao of Pooh


"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,

"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"

"What's for breakfast? said Pooh.

"What do you say, Piglet?"

"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.

Pooh nodded thoughtfully.

"It's the same thing," he said.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

right place, right time...


"In the infinity of life where I am,
all is perfect, whole and complete.
I no longer choose to believe in old limitations and lack.
I now choose to begin to see myself
as the Universe sees me -- perfect, whole and complete.
The truth of my Being is that I was created
perfect, whole and complete.
I will always be perfect, whole and complete.
I now choose to live my life from this understanding.
I am in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing.
All is well in my world."


Saturday, April 28, 2007

Hello? Anyone out there?

where are you, my love?
is apartness the answer?
will you want me then?
~

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Client as Teacher...

After having completed 1000 massage sessions, the massage professional begins to own the information learned in school. After 5000 massage sessions, the massage professional has enough experience to begin to trust the process of massage. After 10,000 massages, the massage therapist allows the massage to happen. A master of massage has learned to respect the client and follow the client's lead. This takes years of practice.









I've done about 35 massages so far.....

BUDDHA

What we think, we become. Buddha

Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it. Buddha

Every human being is the author of his own health or disease. Buddha

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha

In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true. Buddha

It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways. Buddha

Thursday, April 19, 2007

down, down...

huge, monolithic
pain encompasses my thoughts
want is a cruel friend
~

down...

gloomy, dreadful thoughts
misery's my companion
just want happiness
~

let me help...

do i have to beg?
please let me try to assuage
some part of your pain
~

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Virginia Tech


AN AWE INSPIRING PHOTO
(received in an email... so I don't know to whom I should give the credit)

constant craving....

is it bothersome?
forgive me for the wanting
I cannot change it
~

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

has she lost ALL her marbles?

(and after re-reading these disjointed ramblings... I think maybe I have!)

TODAY, it's so very unreal. The TERROR at Virginia Tech yesterday still rocks my world!


Okay, at the risk of sounding very Woohoo, "Out There"...


I'm coming to some rather interesting (shall I say, weird?) realizations about myself of late.
I'm not even sure I can articulate them properly yet. There is one word resonating in my head.



And more specifically - Physical Oneness: feeling what is physically going on in another person's body in one's own body


It seems that I tend to take on some of a person's pain when I'm in contact with them. I've been presented with more and more evidence of this, but is it my imagination?


I keep asking that. I just don't know. When it comes to all the "metaphysical" stuff... I've always come up short. I just didn't FEEL it. So, is it wishful thinking? I don't think so, but I'm still openly skeptical.


It's so strange how life works, how things come to be. I have to wonder if (when?) I would have seen these things in myself if I had not taken this path. And that PATH! How life brought me here... and the people who led me here... it's all so amazing.

I know I've said it before, but I'll keep saying it. Coming to school... to all my new sisters/friends... it's the BEST thing that I have ever done for myself.


To help others is the ultimate goal... but I never dreamed how much it would help ME.


So... back to yesterday's events:
I have been out of sorts since Friday evening. Really, oddly "out of sorts",


"Not Right", "Funky".


I thought it was just because I massaged a client that evening who was having a real hard time of it (emotionally)... couldn't lie still, couldn't relax, very WIRED.


Yesterday I chatted with a good friend and she was describing feelings she had been having and that they were the same feelings she had just before Columbine...
It's all too weird for me... but there it is!

WHAT have I been feeling? I don't know... but I know that right now I'm feeling incredible feelings of hurt, bewilderment and GREAT relief.
The relief is due to the fact that OUR GIRL, Jackie is okay. Jackie is the daughter of very good friends and fellow club members. We (the so called Clique) all feel like we've helped to raise her and we were all so very proud when she was accepted at Virginia Tech. And she's OKAY. She called her parents yesterday morning and I got an email from her last night.


We can't wait to "wrap our arms" around her.







Monday, April 16, 2007

Reading list...




From the Publisher


With the clarity of a physicist and the compassion of a gifted healer with fifteen years of professional experience observing 5,000 clients and students, Barbara Ann Brennan presents the first in-depth study of the human energy field for people who seek happiness, health and their full potential.

Our physical bodies exist within a larger "body," a human energy field or aura, which is the vehicle through which we create our experience of reality, including health and illness. It is through this energy field that we have the power to heal ourselves.

This energy body -- only recently verified by scientists, but long known to healers and mystics -- is the starting point of all illness. Here, our most powerful and profound human interactions take place, the precursor and healer of all physiological and emotional disturbances.

in my dreams...

will it ever be?
can there be more time for us
pray you want that too
~

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Monday, March 26, 2007

outta sight, outta mind?

where is my craved word?
why must it always be thus?
I act, you react
~

Friday, March 23, 2007

vernal haiku...

ah spring, dearest friend
won't you come, sit for a while?
i've really missed you.
~

Book report, Lucid Dreaming and breath control...

T and I are into reading all this self-help stuff lately. T is reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne



... I thought you guys might be interested in this from that book:

Regarding Stephen LaBerge's research at Stanford University on Lucid Dreaming.

LaBerge finds the best way to learn or facilitate lucid dreaming is to ask himself, Am I Dreaming? while he's dreaming.


"[He] has found the best way to remember to ask this question is to ask the same question while awake, many times each day.
When people do this, he says, they frequently find that they are not dreaming but are not fully awake either - they are sleepwalking through their daily activities, only partly conscious of what they're doing. In this condition, their subconscious mind is often dominant, but not in a healthy way. It's often racing from one thought to another. Very frequently, these thoughts are fearful and anxious, because people, neurologically programmed for survival, are constantly looking for the next threat. Posing the question, Am I Dreaming? however, snaps people out of their anxious daydreams and reawakens them to real life."


Why am I telling you this? Not because I think we need to learn Lucid Dreaming (though I bet SE wishes she could... then she could go back and re-start that dream she was shaken out of last week... hehe). Anywho... it's because I believe most of us "sleep-walk" through our daily lives. How many times have you driven to work and you weren't able to recall the specifics of the drive? We do it every weekday, every week, every year....... over and over.

As part of the exercise that LaBerge prescribes is to try to remember to touch the frame of every door through which he walks as he asks himself, Am I Dreaming?
When not asleep, this door-touching exercise wakes you up to life, by making you conscious of even the most simple acts... like, walking through a door.
Are you sleepwalking through much of your existence? Try LaBerge's exercise, try touching door frames.
You will probably find that it's not that easy.... we are most often going through the motions of our lives, with very little conscious attention to the details. Most of us are struggling (consciously and unconsciously) with worries of the future and of past actions that we cannot change. We rarely notice the only truly real time... the NOW. Touching door frames is just an example and a good way to get started, but you can do it with so many "mundane" things. While brushing your teeth, filling out paperwork at the office... I was doing it while at lunch, (fork to mouth, read, take a sip of tea, fork to mouth.... Am I Dreaming?). You may be surprised at the details you notice that are NOT so mundane after all.

"The ancient yoga masters were also extremely concerned about the common human condition of sleepwalking through life. They devised their own system of overcoming it, a system that has endured for centuries, because it works on so many levels. The system they devised for learning to control the uncontrollable, and to become conscious, was the control of breath.

The control of breath is the foundation of advanced meditation. It is the doorway to consciousness."

And I guess that's a discussion for another day!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

useful PC utility...

Is your mouse calibrated?
You should do this every few days.
More often if you spend a lot of time on computer.
I was shocked to see that this works!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below.
Then drag the Y toward the G.
If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe anythinG

Friday, March 09, 2007

...fertile virgin?

Mnemonic - a memory aid. "One common mnemonic for remembering lists consists of an easily remembered word, phrase, or rhyme whose first letters are associated with the list items."

While taking a class which requires lots of memorization... one might make up poems or such to remember a list of things. We had several mnemonics to remember lists in our Anatomy and Physiology class.

One mnemonic was:
"Oh, oh, oh... to touch a fertile virgin; gives virgin some happiness"
for the 12 Cranial Nerves:
I - Olfactory (Sensory)
II- Optic (Sensory)
III - Oculomotor (Motor)
IV- Trochlear (Motor)
V - Trigeminal (both)
VI - Abducens (Motor)
VII - Facial (both)
VIII - Vestibulocochlear(Sensory)
IX - Glossopharyngeal (both)
X - Vagus (both)
XI - Spinal Accessory (Motor)
XII - Hypoglossal (Motor)
The mnemonic for their functions was:
"Some say marry money but my brother says big boobs matter more"

We're learning some Eastern Philosophy now and I'm trying to come up with a mnemonic for the 12 main Meridians (acupuncture, acupressure, shiatsu, etc).
The Main Meridians are:
1) Lung 2) Lg. Intestine 3) Stomach 4) Spleen 5) Heart 6) Sm. Intestine 7) Bladder 8) Kidney 9) Pericardium 10) Triple Heater 11) Gall bladder 12) Liver
My mnemonic so far is:
"Luke likes stopping speeders. He silently blames kids, people traversing garish lives. "

This used the first two letters of each word. Can you come up with another one for me??
The more risque the better. I'll bet Ct4s can come up with a great one!!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

pensive moments

am I ever missed?
just the way that I miss you
time crawls slowly on
~

Sunday, March 04, 2007

"...with both hands."

"Hold a true friend with both hands." ---African Proverb

Things change and life moves forward. People change and drift apart. Allegiances are fleeting. Alliances are made and broken on a whim.
It sucks but it seems that it must be true. I had thought that true friendship lasts forever but it appears that I was an idealist or maybe just confused.
Maintenance of friendship... real friendship, takes work on both sides and I guess some are unwilling or unable to invest the time and effort required. Or perhaps they are too unhappy with themselves to put forth that effort. Superficial friendships or, better yet, acquaintances are easier but are they satisfying?
No matter what I think about my own personality I know that I am a loyal friend. That doesn't keep me from being hurt. I guess not everyone appreciates the virtue. Perhaps I'm too loyal... if there is such a thing. Still, I have no plans to change, at least in that respect.

So few people have the capacity to hurt me. Most of the ones that could... don't even THINK of doing such a thing. I'm blessed with several wonderful friends. Why then can those few make me cry? And why would they want to? And why do I still care about them?
I find it hard to believe they aren't aware that their actions are so hurtful. Do they care?
Or are they just so wrapped up in their problem lives that they just don't think of any one's feelings but their own?

"It is lack of love for ourselves that inhibits our compassion toward others. If we make friends with ourselves, then there is no obstacle to opening our hearts and minds to others." ---Pema Chodron

Friday, March 02, 2007

Yes! Come in!

Yes, I know it's not officially spring yet but I awoke today to warm temperatures and high spirits and a desire to sow some "wild oats".
Okay, that last part isn't rare... but it's so nice to see spring-like weather.
What's it like where you are?

scratching at the door
asking politely. come in!
welcome home, Springtime
~

Morning (Spring) by Maxfield Parrish

buy this at allposters.com


Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Anatomy & Physiology update...

Hey! I got a 100 on my A & P final exam!! WooHoo!

Now, Anatomy & Physiology class is over.... Yippee... I have my Wednesday evenings back again.
Of course, Massage classes are still going on. I'm half way through, but Massage is infinitely more interesting than Anatomy. Okay, maybe Anatomy isn't Uninteresting... but it is less exciting than Massage Class.

There was extra credit on the exam... draw a diagram of the heart and label the chambers, valves, etc and illustrate with arrows the flow of blood through the heart.
I drew an awesome heart, it was gorgeous... maybe I can scan it for you. I'm sure you're looking forward to THAT... haha

Well, I'm hitting the sack... maybe I can sleep without dreaming of muscle sarcomeres, cell mitochondria and various bones of the hand (ie. scaphoid, lunate, triquetral, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate).
Here's a good quiz website for A & P.

By the way...

I have an Anatomy & Physiology final Exam tonight!

Wish me luck!




Build ups and Let downs...

Wow, I had such plans for yesterday.

I had a client coming for a scheduled massage... well, that was cancelled.

I was planning to get laid!.... nope, that didn't happen.

I ended up joining my "girls" for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Now, mind you... I love hanging with my Girl Posse'. They are the greatest! But, it wasn't what I had my mind and body all worked up for...

Ah well, there's always next time.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Look what I found...

It's amazing what you find when you do a simple web search.
Search on something innocent like "gravity inversion boots" and you might find:



Look at the author's name! Do you think this could be my long lost (evil) twin?
Hmmm...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Algolagnia...

While writing the last post, I learned a new medical term -
Algolagnia = Sexual gratification derived from inflicting or experiencing pain.

And I take offense at Wikipedia's definition that it's a Sexual Disorder!!

Pain, it's not just for breakfast anymore...

I have a test tonight (YES, another test)... it's on Chapter 4 in our Massage text book. Chapter 4 is entitled "The Scientific Art of Therapeutic Massage".

Key terms in this chapter:
Breathing pattern disorder, Centering, Circulation, Compression, Connective Tissue, Conservation withdrawal, Cortisol (THAT should generate some hits!), Counterirritation, Dopamine, Dynorphins, Endorphins, Enkephalins, Entrainment, Entrapment, Epinephrine/adrenaline, Gate Control Theory, General Adaptation Syndrome (Fight-or-Flight), Growth Hormone

As you can see, the chapter is basically about pain and pain management.

Does anyone else see the irony in ME studying how to REDUCE pain? But of course, those of us described as... hmm, well... masochists(?), pain-fetishists(?) - we like CERTAIN pains while others are not desirable. And most of us, at least aren't sadists (though SOME are switches)...
I have little desire to inflict pain on anyone... unless they want me to... heh. And even then, it's not really in my nature.
So I guess massage really is the career for me.

While studying Chapter 4 in class, we discussed the section called "Hyperstimulation Analgesia"(part of the gate control theory).
Which is described as diminishing the perception of a sensation (pain) by stimulating large-diameter nerve fibers. The premise is that the "large-diameter" nerve fiber sensations take precedence over the small-diameter ones.

The last sentence in the section states: "In recent years transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) has become a popular method of producing hyperstimulation analgesia"
Boy, oh boy..... that sentence alone had me tingling ALL OVER!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

i want my endogenous opioids...

touch... yes, touch is key
be it gentle or intense
pain is relative
~

will you talk to me
my desperation begs it
can you spare the time?
~

identity...

true friend or playmate
what is my place in your life?
I often wonder
~

Monday, February 05, 2007

let's get something straight...

Folks,
Didn't I say from the very beginning that these were my "Ramblings"? This blog is my outlet, my journal, if you will. As I've said, it is a therapeutic way to step outside my own opinions and views to try and see things from other perspectives. It's a repository of my thoughts and my poems and for things I've found that touch me.
Yes, it's in a public forum, it's meant to be read. And I hope it is entertaining... at least some of the time. Maybe it makes you think about similar situations in your life... I hope it gives you a fresh perspective. I'd appreciate it if you tell me when it does.
I used to write (you know, pen and paper?) in a journal. But after a few weeks, that would fall by the wayside. By having this venue... where other's expect me to say something on a somewhat regular basis... this has helped me to help myself... emotionally. And believe me, I thank you so much for reading.

Sometimes, I will write a discussion I need to have with myself to work through some emotions I'm dealing with. Sometimes, it's a discussion I'd like to be having with someone in my life.... as with the last post.

If I write about happenings in my life, I will of course change many things to protect "the innocent" as I know there are a few people reading that actually know me.
Don't believe for a minute you KNOW the people involved... you may suspect... then again, perhaps that is what I want you to do... my form of misdirection. Oh how very surprised some people would be if they new all my truths. Very surprised indeed. You might find you don't know me at all.

By way of an example, read On The Need For Protective Equipment... now, you don't really think that's about Safety Equipment do you?? Come, now...

It seems the last post struck some kind of nerve with Anonymous.
Anon, I'm sorry if I upset you in some way... but, What the heck do you care? What do you know about the situation? Do you know me?
As I see it, the only people in the blogosphere that would have any idea of which I was writing are the principle players... that would be the person I'm speaking TO and the person I was speaking ABOUT, the one who "has been seen in a bad light" (who, by the way, knows what I wrote and approves).
If, Anon, you are who I suspect you to be.... you of ALL people know what it means to have a place to vent your feelings, frustrations, loves, hates, etc. You said, "perhaps you should mind your own business..." Hmm, I thought that's what I was doing. I was writing about a frustrating situation in my life as well as in the life of someone I care deeply about. Or should I say, Someones... because I care very much about both of these people. I always have.
Anon, your's was a pretty hostile response. If, by chance, you are the person to whom I was writing... I'll ask you the same, why not say it to my face?
If you are not that person, then I ask... Is it YOUR business?

Happy Bunny says,


Friday, February 02, 2007

Betrayal of Trust...

Wikipedia says:
Betrayal
-as a form of deception or dismissal of prior presumptions, is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract (trust, or confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. Often betrayal is the act of supporting a rival group, or it is a complete break from previously decided upon or presumed norms by one party from the others.

When you have tremendous respect for someone and they do something to break your trust... that is the ultimate Loss.

Perhaps my trust was simply misplaced. Perhaps you never deserved that trust. Perhaps you misrepresented yourself from the very beginning or maybe I saw what I wanted to see. But I am not alone. Several of your friends believed better of you and now feel the loss. I know all the people you work with believe you're "made of gold". Can it be that the pressure of living up to THAT is causing you to let the rest of us down?

Now, you've allowed one of us to be seen in a bad light... you've allowed it because YOU know the truth and have not spoken up.

Here's my suggestion... you can say, "It was meant to be a joke." "I didn't mean for it to get out of hand" "I didn't want anyone else blamed"
How's that? Pretty simple isn't it? Please, do the right thing!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

email...

"Have I told you lately that one day I am going to tie you firmly, spank you and..."




Oh, how I just love it when emails start out that way!!!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Transference, Countertransference & Dual Roles

Oh, the discussions I have in my own head...
and no, I'm not saying I talk to myself... yes, you do ... no I don't... yes... no..


Wikipedia says:
In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a client's feelings from a significant person to a therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist. Although transference is often characterized as a useful tool for building trust between a client and a therapist, transference can also interfere with a therapist’s ability to help a client.
Counter-transference is defined as redirection of a therapist's feelings toward a client, or more generally as a therapist's emotional entanglement with a client. Some therapists become confused between clients and intimate partners if countertransference is not recognized and appropriately addressed by the therapist.

and then there's "Dual Roles" or "Dual Relationships"

One source says:
A dual relationship exists when a therapist serves in the capacity of both therapist and at least one other role with the same client. Most commonly the second relationship is social, financial, or professional and may be concurrent
or subsequent to the therapeutic relationship.

Another says:
Besides sex with a client, other examples of dual relationships are engaging in therapy with a friend, a student, a colleague or a business associate. Additional forms of dual relationships might be such shared activities as attending the same church, belonging to the same social club or recreational sports league, attending the same conferences or political rallies.

So, my question is... What do you do about Dual Relationships?
In many cases, you may have a relationship with someone BEFORE you become their therapist.
Now I can see how, in the world of medicine or psychotherapy, you should NOT take a friend or loved one as a client (though we know it happens). But what about other forms of therapy? Physical Therapy/Rehabilitation? Massage Therapy? Other wellness therapies? Where exactly should you draw the line?
In my own experience, as a massage therapy student... it's a given that I have friends/family as my first (practice) clients. And it's conceivable that they may very well remain my clients.

How Do You Avoid Transference/Countertransference?
I've experienced transference in my own life. Then again... HAVE I?
Is it automatically considered transference if you become "involved" with an authority figure?
If I become friends with a therapist, a coach, a teacher or perhaps a supervisor... is it Transference? absolutely? Might I have become friends with the individual if I'd met them in some other environment? I make friends all the time, it's just who I am.
It seems the very nature of the term Transference means you're projecting past feelings and experiences ONTO this new individual. I don't believe I've ever done that. Have I? I become close to someone because we "click". Emotionally, physically... whatever.

We're human! We're taught to LOVE our clients. How can you attempt to help someone heal if you do not? How can you make someone FEEL better? How can you ever transfer any energy, warmth, "good vibes" if you do NOT love them?

How then can it NOT become personal?

Ah, life's delicious duality!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

code words...

I say lots of things... and I say them often...
"I love you"... yup, I say that a lot. There are several people I do, Truly love.
"I want you"... uh huh.... there is someone that I want... almost all of the time.
"How are you feeling today?"... and when I say it, I really mean it.
"I care about you", "I'd like to help", "How can I make it better?", "I'm listening"
I call often, I text often, I email often.... okay, maybe too often. So sue me...

BUT when I say, "i need a hug" it's a kind of code. I don't say it that often... and I don't say it to many people.
It's code for "I'm hurting", "I need a shoulder to cry on", "I need comforting", "I need someone who really cares about me"



almost human now
striving to overcome it
despair's a deep pit
~


How is it that you can fix physical pain so well, but are so unwilling to deal with emotional pain?? Your's, mine, anyones?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

deep sigh...

Today, I'm feeling.... kinda.....

Main Entry: wist·ful
Pronunciation: 'wist-f&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: blend of wishful and obsolete English wistly intently
1 : full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy; also : inspiring such yearning, a wistful memoir
2 : musingly sad : PENSIVE
- wist·ful·ly /-f&-lE/ adverb
- wist·ful·ness noun

Not sure why really... I guess I'm coming down off my Weekend High.
And I was so high over the weekend.
It was, Joyous!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

chick flick?

"I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"

hmmmm?

my time...

relax, touch by touch
we got part of the way through
but something came up
~

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I'm stupid...

"I am not sure if you understand the system" = "You're stupid"

Okay, maybe you didn't say I was stupid... but you know it felt that way.


As the song says: "Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes..."

I asked you a question. There was no whining involved, no accusations... just a simple question. And the request wasn't even FOR ME! So why then did your response sound like you were sending me on a guilt trip?

You know, I answered your email. I responded to every line. I even typed it out and printed it. It wasn't pretty. Then I tore it up. It was cathartic.

Just like this blog. It's a purgative (figuratively of course!), an emotional cleansing.

Blogging/journaling helps me to "step outside" myself and try to see things from a different perspective.

So, if I look at your email again through "other" eyes... It seems to me the guilt trip might be yours. You're pulled in several directions at once. You are so consumed with helping people... you feel guilty when you can't help everyone. I'm thinking the manifestation of your feelings aren't exactly appropriate, but when do any of us respond appropriately to that kind of stress?
By manifestations, I guess I mean you acting as if I'm causing some affront just by asking. I mean, can't I read your mind for god's sake?

You work all the time. You never plan time for yourself. That is a big mistake. You must set aside some time for yourself... but why listen to me? I'm stupid... remember?

You signed it, "Love you"

Well, you know what? I LOVE YOU TOO.

Friday, January 05, 2007

I'm a store owner...

I finally bit the bullet and started my own cafepress store. Okay, be warned... it is kinda esoteric. My first product is inspired by my quest for knowledge... specifically anatomy. It's rather "tongue-in-cheek".
I also created a store for my Massage School.
You can access them separately or you can use this LINK to see all the products at both stores.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Today is: 2007年1月2日 星期二 丙戌年十一月十四





Of course, that's by the Gregorian Calendar...

the Chinese New Year begins on 2/18/2007

Okay, so I'm a day late. I was vegging yesterday.
I have a big muscle test on Thursday and was I studying? Nope, I feel really bad about that but I just sat on my ass most of the day. I did do a little cleaning and some laundry... but mostly just watched TV. Actually, I do pretty well with the ole Last Minute CRAM for the EXAM, but I'd like to say my new year's resolution is to study more this year. We'll see.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

and one for today...


give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score;
then to that twenty,
add a hundred more; a thousand to that hundred:
so kiss on, to make that thousand up a million. treble that million, and when that is done, let's kiss afresh,
as when we first begun!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Friday, December 22, 2006

Subtle changes...

we all have a place
dank, ugly... in our souls, but
Light holds it at bay
~

It really is amazing, the changes a class can make in your life... in your attitudes, your desires, your outlook on life! I feel myself changing in so many ways, some subtle and some more profound.
Okay, maybe a simple class doesn't really DO that. I mean, a quilting or pottery class might not produce noticeable changes in your personality. However, studying subjects in the medical field, alt. medicine and other "caregiver" subjects... is affecting me in unexpected ways.

In my younger years, I wouldn't have dreamed of wanting to put my hands on anyone I wasn't very close to. This started changing in the past few years due to some wonderful people that came into my life... but I still never thought of really Touching strangers. Now (and it didn't take long) I crave it. Not in a weird way... really! I crave the human connection, the energy transfer and I crave the feeling I get when I help someone feel better. I was surprised and amazed at how much better I feel, physically and emotionally, when I GIVE a massage.
That's pretty profound... I think!

As for the more subtle changes?
Ah well... this I've really noticed recently... in the last few days actually.

I've mentioned someone abruptly dropping out of my life. Not physically... this person is still present and accounted for, but pulled away from me... me the confidant, the "soul mate". I was the one they turned to to talk it all out. I was the sounding board. Then POOF, gone! No deep discussions, no confiding, no crying on my shoulder... We still saw each other. We went out with friends and we "chatted" but it wasn't the same... and I was HURT.
When we had confided, I tried to be supportive and not judge. I tried to be the good friend. I do remember telling this person that they needed to find a way to change things... they were SO unhappy, really deep down, "bone weary" sad. I wanted to help. NO, I wanted to be THE ONE to help. And it was killing me that this friend was still living in unhappiness AND not availing themselves of MY friendship. Wow, how arrogant was I?

Lately, I (and others) have noticed changes in this person. I've noticed there is no longer the constant scowl, there is a more upbeat tone to the voice and a more outgoing personality. We had a email conversation the other day and I came out and asked this person if they were happy. The answer was "I am happy. Very happy..." My first impulse was... "geez, is _____ trying to convince themselves or me?" But Wait, Peg! Wait just one damned minute......
What was the FIRST thing you learned in massage classes?

A person's pain is THEIR pain. It doesn't matter what I think about their pain. It doesn't matter if I think it would not be painful at all... to ME. MY opinion about THEIR pain is irrelevant... absolutely and totally, irrelevant! So, wouldn't the same thing be true of happiness? If they say they are happy.... then that's what they are and I have no right... NO RIGHT... to question it.

And hell! I was the one, after all that said, "you need to find a way to be happier". So, did I really want their happiness? Or did I want to be the crutch?
Ah HAH! Self-revelation isn't always pretty.

Well, be assured, My Love... I am thrilled things are working out for you and that you're happy. I'm still here and I love you dearly. And I apologize!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

sooooo much going on...

Just wanted to stop in and tell you all that I'm alive and well. Things are so hectic right now. Tomorrow evening I will be evaluated on my massage routine, then I can go out and work with my practice clients. Cross your fingers that I pass that!! Tonight I have a test on the Nervous System in Anatomy class... oh goody (she says facetiously).

And NOW I have to go to work! Wow I'm tired already...

Friday, November 10, 2006

"Ooh-rah!"




I enjoyed reading this guy's blog.
A past post explains the "Ooh-Rah" battle cry.

One tag line on his page says
"When in doubt, empty the magazine."

I LIKE IT.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Posse perplexity...

"It is all too clear that you don't want any thing to do with me, so I won't bother you anymore."

Actually, I'd wager that nothing is clear to you at all.

You know.... I'm just a little weary of (SOME of) my friends being selfish, impatient, demanding, snide, etc.
I thought you understood that I had a direction and purpose in going to school.

I thought everyone was happy for me.

Then WHY do I keep hearing "We never see you anymore" "Where the hell have you been?" "You don't care about me/us anymore" Some of you say nothing at all TO ME... you just make the catty remarks in front of Bestest RoomMate so you know it will get back to me (After all, she cares about me and my feelings). Some of you don't even answer a simple email... nothing!

Hell, I've even heard, when Bestest RoomMate wants to spend time to herself, that I've been a bad influence on Her!?!?! I've been referred to lately as her "Ball and Chain"!
What the ???
I've been told that I've become "boring".

Perhaps they all think they are being humorous... but it's starting to annoy... hurt even.

Is it just that everyone is missing me and they don't really know how to express it? Are they jealous that I have a direction that I'm excited about???
And I AM excited. Massage school energizes me, engages me, thrills me. "C" understands... maybe he's the only one who really does!

(And you know, one person in particular has no RIGHT at all to be upset or jealous.... since they removed themselves from my life, for all intents and purposes, long ago.)

Good lord people... school is only a year and I've just begun!

Ah well, perhaps I should just take Booger's advice....

"fuck 'em! After all..."
if they don't understand you
they'll get over it
~

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

sometimes, P.M. ... I feel drugged...

Stoned

When you're stoned, baby
And I am drunk
and we make love
It seems a little desolate
It's hard sometimes not to look away
And think what's the point
when I'm having to hold this fire down
I think I'll explode if I can't feel this freely now

'Cause if you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
'Cause I'm bored of hangin out,
in your cold

When I feel loved, baby,
I join the road
And the world moves with me
When I feel lost I just slip away
Silently, quietly take my things and go
And think what's the point,
think where's the hope
we're coming home

'Cause if you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
'Cause I'm bored of hanging out, in your cold.

And if you find one day,
find some freedom and relief
And with this freedom maybe,
maybe you will find some peace
And with this peace, baby
I hope it brings you back to me
Bring you home,
take me home

'Cause if you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
'Cause I'm bored of hangin out,
in your cold

Wha-oh... take me home
Wha-oh... take me home
When you're stoned, baby...
take me home
Wha-oh...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

forgive me....

Please forgive me for not being around. I'm so tired....

Working 5 days a week, going to class 3 nights a week and I've been helping to teach a motorcycle safety instructor course on the weekends. Whew! Yep, I'm wiped out.

On a happy note, Thursday, Oct. 19th was my birthday. I took the day off and had a nice lunch with MY GIRLS, MY POSSE, MY PEEPS... We had lunch at Dot's Back Inn on the Northside. Dot's is a great little neighborhood eatery. They have the most awesome Reuben!

Massage Classes are going well. I'm really enjoying them, even Anatomy.
We finally started learning the actual massage routine and we started learning the muscles of the body. The first muscles we must learn are:

Muscles of the Hand and Wrist:

Thenar Eminence
Flexor Pollicis Brevis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Abductor Pollicis Brevis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Opponens Pollicis (Origin, Insertion & Action)

Adductor Pollicis (Origin, Insertion & Action)

Hypothenar Eminence
Flexor Digiti Minimi (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Abductor Digiti Minimi (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Opponens Digiti Minimi (Origin, Insertion & Action)

Lumbricals (deep between MCs)

Finger and Wrist Flexors
Flexor Pollicis Longus (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Flexor Digitorum Profundus (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Flexor Digitorum Superficialis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Flexor Carpi Radialis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Flexor Carpi Ulnaris (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Palmaris Longus (Origin, Insertion & Action)

Finger and Wrist Extensors
Extensor Carpi Radialis Longus & Brevis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Extensor Carpi Ulnaris (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Extensor Digitorum (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Extensor Digiti Minimi (Origin & Action)
Extensor Indicis (Origin & Action)


Muscles of the Forearm and Arm:

Pronator Quadratus (name)
Pronator Teres (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Supinator (name)
Brachioradialis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Brachialis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Coracobrachialis (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Biceps Brachii (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Triceps Brachii (Origin, Insertion & Action)
Anconeus (Action)
Deltoids (Origin, Insertion & Action)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Love

"The world moves for love.
It kneels before it in awe."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Waiterrant! Bravo!

Waiter's post for yesterday is truly sublime! Check out "Void Codes" at waiterrant.net.

"...a “void” is when management removes an item from a customer’s check"

Some highlights:

21. Customer didn’t take medication this morning. (Prozac)
22. Server didn’t take medication this morning. (Marijuana)
23. Manager didn’t take medication this morning. (Jim Beam)
24. Everybody must get stoned!
25. Customer didn’t listen to waiter’s recommendations. (The “I told you so” void.)
30. The “shut the customer the fuck up” void!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I've been bad... yes, I'm sure I have...


Slam me to the wall
spin me, cuff me and take me
Sargeant Yummy, Sir!
~

Friday, September 22, 2006

What the heck happened?

I could tell she was hurt...

She was telling me about this guy she had met who worked as a bouncer at a bar she frequented. They had been doing a lot of talking and flirting when she was there. He was her age and she found him quite attractive. Each week, if she stayed until closing, he would walk her to her vehicle.

Recently, the bar closed a little early since it was a quiet night and she said to him, "We're going up to the place around the corner, do you want to join us?" After several comments about having to go to work the next day, he finally said yes he would accompany her. She bought him a beer and he drank a couple of additional drinks. They talked, as much as they could in the loud place.
After a while, he said that he needed to go because he'd stayed much longer than he had planned. She also said she needed to leave, so he offered to drive her back to her vehicle. They chatted and flirted some more. She had gotten used to the fact that he was pretty reserved, shy even. Before she got out of his truck she said that she hoped he would tell her if her exuberance ever bothered him. He said, "I never said that did I?".

As she got out, she laughed and said, "You're cute".

She crossed the street to her vehicle as he rolled down his window and said, "Just cute??". In response, she said, "Well, let's just say 'I'd DO you'. (As I understand it, this was some inside joke between them). He said, "that's better" as she drove off. She then text messaged his cell phone with: "But you could give me some hint that you're actually interested". He immediately called her cell and said, "Yes".
"Yes, what?" she asked. "YES to what you just asked!"
As she drove home, they chatted on the phone. He started telling her that he was leary of relationships, having been betrayed by someone (they had talked some about his ex-wife before). She told him that she didn't want to MARRY him. He said sarcastically, "Well, thanks!" and she said, "Geez, what do you WANT from me?
He then said, "What do YOU want?"
She told him that above all, friendship was the most important thing... but friendship "with benefits" wasn't bad either... he laughed. She DID want him. As they finished the conversation, they had agreed to work on the friendship first.

The week following, they again went to the bar up the street after he got off from work. Things were pretty much as the week before. Still taking it slow.

But now she tells me that in the last couple of weeks he's changed. He still chats with her at work... but he's much more reserved. And to top it all off, he's told some of her friends that he "Just wants to be friends"... Wow, the kiss of death. She was crushed. Bad enough that he feels that way, but to announce it to her friends!? She asked me what she had done wrong...

Maybe you didn't DO anything wrong... maybe he really is affected by his past. Maybe he can't get past it. You're very different. He's quiet, reserved and you are... hmmm, energetic... and affectionate! He told you he's not very affectionate. "Yes, but I asked if it bothered him that I was and again he shot back, 'Now did I say that it bothered me?'"

I said to her, "okay, maybe he's just a shallow bastard."
No really! Let's just see what happens. Chill Out! It's not like you won't ever see him again. Hah, easier said than done!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

gotta...catch...a...breath....

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy, busy, busy!
But I'm feeling much better than that last post.
School (Massage Therapy) began on Sept. 6th. Three nights a week until the end of February, then Anatomy will be over and it will be 2 nights a week. I had my first test in Massage Theory class on Monday. I got a 96! Well, at first I got a 100... but when we went over it I found where the teacher had missed one incorrect answer. She thanked me for my honesty. Damnit! I wanted that 100! My first Anatomy test is next Wednesday..... eeeek!
I'm surprised at how much I actually remember from high school Health and Biology classes. But I have a feeling it's going to get more challenging!
All in all, I'm enjoying classes very much so far.

On top of 3 classes/week for Massage Therapy, I've been involved in RAD Classes on Tuesdays.
RAD stands for Rape, Aggression, Defense. If you've never heard of RAD, please check out their website.

From the website:

a comprehensive, women-only course that begins with awareness, prevention, risk reduction and risk avoidance, while progressing on to the basics of hands-on defense training. R.A.D. is not a Martial Arts program.

Why R.A.D.?

  • R.A.D. is the largest network of its kind with over 7000 Instructors receiving training in our systems to date. These Instructors teach at various colleges, universities, and municipal law enforcement agencies as well as various other community organizations internationally. R.A.D. has trained more than 300,000 women since the program began in 1989.
  • R.A.D. is the only existing program with a free lifetime return and practice policy, honored throughout both the US and Canada.
  • R.A.D. has developed specialized simulation techniques and equipment for use by certified R.A.D. instructors.
  • R.A.D. is the only self defense program ever endorsed by the International Association of Campus Law Enforcement Administrators (IACLEA).
  • Lawrence N. Nadeau, Director of Instructional Development and Founder.

Here is my rendition of our beloved instructor
Sgt. Yummy (a.k.a. "Hunk-o-Cop")

purrrrrr!